Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
