Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
