Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
The beer is more important than you right now.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
