In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
