I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
It's just like the Real World with babies
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
