thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
