I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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