My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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