i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
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I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
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You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
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