like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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