And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
