My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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