we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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