Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Someone shattered a urinal.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
