So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
PANTIES FOUND
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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