Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
i think my cat just said my name.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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