I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
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Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
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but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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