Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
