i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
