I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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