I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Randomize
