dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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