My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
