..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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