The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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