i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
