btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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