Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
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He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
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I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize