dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
