fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
