I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
