Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
