I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
