A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
