dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
