if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
