Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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