oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
