o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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