Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
