WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
