Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
