you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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