I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
