i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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