The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
