What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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