I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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