Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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