just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
