even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
