: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
