we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
