Betty ford says i'm here all night
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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