I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Swine flu. Run for my life!
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
my being single is dangerous.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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