i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
we're making bets on your personal life
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
