A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
