who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
