So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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